Playing Along with African E-Mail Scams

With all the genuine relief efforts going on in the world right now, it’s easy to lose sight of the fake ones. Particularly the plight of poor Augusto Nandu Savimbi, son of Jonas Savimbi, recently slain leader of the UNITA movement in Angola (pictured at right). If you’ve ever received one of these e-mails, perhaps you’ve been tempted to help poor Augusto or one of his siblings out of the horrible predicament that has been thrust upon them by the oppressive government of Angola.

Or, perhaps you’ve just wanted to play along via e-mail and see how much of “Augusto’s” time you could waste.

As it turns out, a designer I work with, Stephen Lodefink, has a friend who has been doing just this for the last month or so, and it’s one of the more entertaining e-mail exchanges I’ve read in awhile. This friend Patrick has been trading e-mails with “Mr. Savimbi” stringing him along and setting up a fake meeting in Dublin to transfer funds and make them both millionaires.

The e-mail chain has gotten a bit long and Mr. Savimbi has grown quite frustrated, but I’m going to go ahead and post the entire transcript before the saga is complete. I will add new e-mails as they come in. The whole thing starts off rather tame, but once Patrick’s broken english and “kooky-kitten-kat” stories kick in, it goes way over the top.

The transcript follows:


Red: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Green: Christopher Goss (also part of the scam)
Black: Patrick Fisher

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: URGENT, PLEASE HELP.
Date: Mon, 1 Dec 2004

This letter may come to you as a surprise but I really prayed to God to help me choose somebody that will be my true partner. My name is Augusto Nandu Savimbi. I am the first son of Mr. Jonas Savinbi, the leader of the UNITA movement in Angola. May be you know that my father was killed recently in Angola by the Angola Government soldiers and has been buried. Two weeks before he died (May be he know he will die) he called me and showed me a box containing US$ 35 million and some Diamond value about US$18 million. He send the box to a security company overseas in one country in the West, for safe keeping with a false name. He give me the certificate of deposit and the code number. With that I collect the box anytime I want. Now I want because my father is dead and I need the money to take care of my family left behind of about five wives and twenty five children. I am now hiding as the government of Angola look for me to kill and also the former commanders of my father want to get me also. I have to be careful of my movement that is why I need your help to get the box and keep it until I can escape and meet you and you help me invest the money in your country or where it is good.

(The original reply is missing)

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Thanks Patrick Fisher.
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 2004

Dear Patrick Fisher

Thanks for your reply to my mail and your willingness to assist me and my family. May the Almighty God bless you. My dear friend what we need you to do is to travel to the European country where my late father deposited the consignment and sign for it’s release.

I need you to furnish me with your contact address, telephone and fax numbers so that we can prepare a letter of authority in your name which you will present to the security company for the release of the consignment to you. I am sorry that I have to be silent on the name of the security company and other informations concerning the consignment until I get your total and utmost assurance that you will make the trip. I look forward to hearing from you. God bless you and your family.

Best regards,

Augusto Savimbi.

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Please understand our position.
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 2004

Dear Patrick Fisher,

Thanks for your mail. My dear friend, like I stated earlier we are under survillance and can not make any monetary transaction it is for this reason that I seek your utmost and honest assistance.

I urge you my friend, to make this sacrifies for us and we assure you that you will be happy you did. God bless you.

Augusto.

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Please get in touch with me.
Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004

Dear Patrick Fisher,

How are you today, I hope you are doing fine? Please let me know the present situation of things as I have be reliably informed that the security company has contacted you. Please let me know if you have sign for the consignment and it has been delivered to you. I look forward to your mail. God bless you.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: Please get in touch with me.
Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004

hi augusto….

i haven’t received anything yet…. if they are documents please just e-mail them to me….. i’m trying to help but at this point i’m a bit confused as to what we are trying to accomplish here.

thank you, -patrick

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Please treat as urgent.
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004

Dear Patrick Fisher,

I was reliably informed by the security company in Dublin that they have written to you informing you of the consignment and given you details of what to do to get the consignment released. They informed me that a phone call was put to you but that the number you supplied to me is not functioner.

Please check your mail to see if you have any mail from Eurosecurity in Dublin but if not I want you to reconfirm your telephone number so that they can call you to intimate you with the informations as to how consignment can be retrived. My dear friend I am happy you are willing to assist so please put in more effort and expidite action. Time is running out. God bless you.

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: Please treat as urgent.
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004

hi augusto…………..

okay, i can’t wait to get the mail from dublin….. why can’t they just e-mail the instructions?

looking forward to helping..

kind regards, -patrick

From: Christopher Goss
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: consigment
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004

Dear Mr. Fisher, My name is Goss Christopher , and I am writting to you from eurosecurity&Insuracnce company, I am the chief security officer in charge of your consignment , we have recieved your detail sent to our office for the collection of your consignment, from Mr Sovimbi in Angola. Please contact us immediately to make arrangement to come to Dublin Ireland , and sign the release order form for the relaese of your consignment to you accordingly. Also , we need your telephone and fax number to enable us to establish line of communicate with you properly.

Goss, christopher your Sincerely

eurosecurity & Insurance co.
Dublin, Ireland
Tele 00-353-87-939-5804

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Christopher Goss
Subject: Re: consigment
Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004

hi christopher…..

thank you for the e-mail. i am looking forward to dotting all the t’s and crossing all the i’s .

my fax number is 503 XXX XXXX.. please fax details regarding what i need to do and what information you need from me to prepare for the trip to dublin.

please fax the details to me at your earliest convince.

until then, i remain with kind regards, -patrick

From: Christopher Goss
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Re: consigment
Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2004

Hello Mr.patrick, I have ask my secretary to send you the requested information as regard to your consignment please check your fax to see and get back to us. sincerely

Christopher Goss

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Christopher Goss
Subject: Re: consigment
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004

dear mr. christopher….

i have received the fax and i do have a few questions.

mr. sovimbi didn’t tell me anything about having to pay any sort of “handling charge” further more, would that be $6500 u.s. dollars or some other currency? Euros?

before i can make final arrangements to come to dublin and give you $6500 dollars i need to know a bit more about the details of this transaction.

what is the $6500 for? what shall i receive? is it cold in dublin this time of year? will i need to bring a raincoat?

please advise asap, i would like to take of this soon… i wish to help mr savimbi and look forward to clarification on the nature of the terms and agreements…. i also need to arrange for the care of my kitten-kat while i am away and need to know the dates to give to the pet sitter.

untl then i remain with hopeful regards, -patrick

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Please redirect the mail to Dublin
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004

Dear Patrick Fisher,

How are you, I hope you are fine. I got a mail from you today but from it content I presume it was meant for the security company in Dublin.

I will urge you to send that mail to them if you have not done that so that they can respond to the questions that you raised. As for the content of the consignment, it contains physical cash of US$35M and Diamond worth US$18M. So you are expected to ask for 3 steal Boxes. Please for our interest do not mention the content to the security company because they are not aware of the content.

I hope to hear from you. God bless you.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: Please redirect the mail to Dublin
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004

dear augusto……

thank you for the e-mail.

so what am i supposed to do with the cash and the diamonds?  please help me understand the arrangement we are going to undertake…  I want to help you but I’m not sure what it is i’m supposed to do with the money and diamonds.

also, what is the $6500 i am supposed to give to the security company?  can’t you just send the cash and diamonds to my house?  why do i have to go all the way to dublin to get them?  maybe you can help me pay for a air ticket to get to dublin.

things here are good……  the carnival was in town last week and my uncle Joey ran off with the rubber lady…..  that cad!  He’s always chasing the womens.

Are the steel boxes heavy?  Maybe I want,  I should bring my Uncle Joey to help me carry them.  Who is going to pick me up at the airport?  What language do they speak in dublin?  Dublin-ease? French?  Jibberish?   I think they speak a funny sounding english if I recollect correctly.  That will be great to see that country….  I her they drink alot of tea.

I am still wating to hear back from the security company and I do need further clarification from you on what it is i am to do with the cash and diamonds…  do you want me just to mosey on over to Angola and drop them off at you house?  That might be easiest…  then you can pay me back the $6500 plus expenses plus a hefty bonus for all my trouble…  I have expensive veternarian bills as my kooky-kitten-kat got his hoof stuck under the neighbors door and it costed $437.21 dollars to repair it. and that doesn’t even include the paw work.. just the door.

Anyway…..  good seasons to you my new dear friend……  i look forward to helping you and returning what is rightflly yours as aoon as possible.

kind regards…  until then, i remain with good intentions…

-patrick

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Get in touch with Dublin
Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004

Dear Patrick,

Thanks for the mail. First let me say that the content of the consignment is meant for investment but before then all you need to do is get the consignment to a safe account. Once you confirm that you have done that, you will make arrangement for the arrival of my family and I to your country for sharing and possible investment. Like I stated in my previous mail the family has agreed to give you 20% as compensation for your effort. We have also agreed that whatever expenses you incure in the process of getting the consignment into a safe account will be reimbursed back to you before we split the funds according to the agreed percentage.

I know that before my father deposited the consignment he paid some charges so I do not know why you are being asked to pay US$6,500.00 so what I will advise is to send a mail to the security company in Dublin and seek to know what the said US$6,500.00 is meant for.

You can also seek to know from the security company if they can deliver the consignment to your home. Please let me state here that once you get the consignment, you should please make sure that it is securely deposited in an account for safe keeping. On no account must you try to send the funds to my country Angola expect you want the Government to eleminate me and my family. The Government of my country must not have any idea that my family has some funds slashed somewhere as that will amount to security breech. The will do all within their power to get to the funds and make sure that we do not leave to use the funds, so please my friend don’t think along that line. Since you have accepted to help us just do that. We need the money and a safe place to relocate to.

Please get back to the security company in Dublin and brief me on how the consignment will be release to you. I look forward to hearing from you. God bless you my friend.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Barney McGillicuddy
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: urgent matter
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004

CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS, ZAMBEZI CRESENT, MAITAMA DISTRRICT. P.M.B 0184 GARKI, ABUJA- FEDERAL CAPITAL TERRITORY,NIGERIA.

DEAR FRIEND,

I GUESS THIS LETTER MAY COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE SINCE I HAD NO PREVIOUS CORRESPONDENCE WITH YOU. I AM A SENATOR AND THE CHAIRMAN OF INDEPENDENT NATIONAL ELECTORAL COMMISSION (INEC) I GOT YOUR CONTACT IN THE COURSE OF MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE PERSON WITH WHOM TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION INVOLVING THE TRANSFER OF FUND VALUED THIRTY MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($30M) TO A SAFE ACCOUNT.

THE ABOVE FUND IN QUESTION IS NOT CONNECTED WITH ARMS, DRUGS OR MONEY LAUNDERING. IT IS THE PRODUCT OF OVER INVOICE ON CONTRACT AWARDED IN JANUARY 2003 BY INEC, TO A FOREIGN COMPANY FOR THE SUPPLY OF ELECTORAL MATERIALS THAT WAS USED FOR CONDUCTING APRIL/MAY, 2003 ELECTIONS.

THE CONTRACT HAS BEEN EXECUTED AND PAYMENT OF THE ACTUAL CONTRACT AMOUNT MADE TO THE FOREIGN CONTRACTOR LEAVING THE BALANCE OF $30M U.S DOLLARS IN A DORMANT ACCOUNT WHICH MY COLLEAGUES AND I NOW WANT TO TRANSFER OUT OF NIGERIA INTO A RELIABLE FOREIGN ACCOUNT FOR OUR PERSONAL USE. AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE DO NOT HAVE THE NECESSARY FOREIGN ACCOUNT MACHINERY TO SUCCESSFULLY HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION. THERFORE IT BECOMES NECESSARY TO SOURCE FOR A FOREIGN COMPANY WITH THE CAPABILITY TO ACT AS THE ORIGINAL BENEFICIARY OF THE CONTRACT. MY DEAR, IT IS A GOOD THING THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS ENDORSED THE RESOLUTION PASSED BY THE SENATE THAT ALL FOREIGN CONTRACTORS OWED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA SHOULD BE PAID, WE WILL SEIZE THIS GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO PURPORT YOU AS ONE OF THE BENEFICIARIES TO BE PAID.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THIS PROPOSAL KINDLY EMAIL TO ME YOUR LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE ALON! G WITH YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS, BUT IF YOU CANNOT FOR ANY REASON HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL IF YOU CAN INTRODUCE IT TO A RELIABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON IN WHICH IN ANY CASE YOUR INTEREST WILL BE PROPERLY TAKEN CARE OF.

MEANWHILE, MY COLLEAGUES AND I HAVE DECIDED TO SHARE THE MONEY IN THE FOLLOWING RATIO: 70% FOR MY COLLLEAGUES AND I, THEN 25% FOR YOU THE ACCOUNT OWNER AND 5% FOR ALL LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES THAT MAY ARISE IN THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSACTION. FUTHER DETAILS ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION WILL BE DISCUSSED IN THE SUBSEQUENT CORRESPONDENCE.

THIS TRANSACTION IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL BUT 100% RISK FREE. NOTE ALSO THAT THE PARTICULAR NATURE OF YOUR BUSINESS IS IRRELEVANT TO THIS TRANSACTION AND THIS TRANSACTION IS EXPECTED TO BE CONCLUDED WITHIN 14 WORKING DAYS SINCE ALL LOCAL CONTACTS AND ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN PROPERLY PERFECTED FOR A SMOOTH AND SUCCESSFUL CONC! LUSION! OF THIS TRANSACTION. IF THIS PROPOSAL IS ACCEPTABLE BY YOU, PLEASE CONFIRM YOUR INTEREST VIA EMAIL: YOURS FAITHFULLY, -Barney Mgillicuddy

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: please do something urgent
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004

Dear

How are today, I hope you are doing fine? Please let me know the explanation giving to you by the security company in Dublin.

Please my friend, as you are aware the content of the consignment is too important for everyone of us and I plead with you to do us this one favour by going over to Dublin to get the consignment into a safe custody for futher investment. According to Eurosecurity once you get to Dublin you will be made to sign for the consignment and they will process and transfer to your account.

I want to repeat here that the family has agreed in principle to give you 20% of the content of the consignment. We are begging you to save us from our present predicament, as you are our last line of hope to get a better life. We are in our own country but we do not have free movement because the present Government is afraid we might continue the opposition fight. The truth is we might start that on a latter day when we have been able to sort our ourselves but right now we can not do that because we are financially handicap and also we can only regroup outside this country as we are being monitored all through. That is why we need you to help us out, the cash and diamonds contained in those steel boxes are not small money and we are confident that it will change your personality like it will also do to us.

Please in the name of God do us this favour and don’t let this wicked Government rein our future. God in his infinite mercies will bless you as you lift us out of this predicament.

I am hoping that you will establish an urgent communication with the security company in Dublin to effect the signing and collection of the consignment. Please keep me posted. God bless you my friend.

Best regads,

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: please do something urgent
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004

my dear augusto………..

thank you for the e-mail. mr. christopher gossamer sent me an e-mail explaining it all to me that the $6500 is a fee for transaction and storage.

i have a great idea! and you ‘ll be very happy i thunked this up because it will solve all the problems and speed up our harvest of bountiful rewards of cash and diamonds and all the sweets we can eat at one go.

okay my friend… why don’t i just crack open one of them boxes of diamonds and cash upon my triumphant arrival in dublin… and then just give good old mr friendly goss the $6500 smack-a-roonies righ then and there…. thats the most gynelogical solution i have thinked up yets. what do you think?

then i can take the rest and just hope on a train and swoosh on up and down to angola and i can shower you with diamonds and cash and we can buy off those cranky government officials that are giving you a hard time… i tells you what i’ll even kick one of them in the buts for you.

you see mr savimbi, what you don’t understand…. and take this from me because i’m an american we are as raw as an alligators belly-sack after being riddin by a monkey all day over granite quarry…. ready?

okay, if you have this money we just say to your government over-lords… “take a leap because we gonna but yer ass and you do what we tells you to do or else. you see augusto…. when you have steal boxes full of cash and diamonds the world is your clam, or oyster… your clammy-oyster. maybe you just need me to help you grow the nuts to realize this… i’mm bring some john wayne and sylvester stallone and pee wee herman movies with me when we party down with the cash, diamonds, champagne, bitches and hostess ho-ho’s okay my fearful friend??

othjerwise…. i guess i can just shimmy on over to dublin pay your associate dr. goss the $6500 and get them boxes and take them back to my homeland and then invest in my uncle joeys business on your behalf. he’s got a fish-farm that has fish….. and they swim! he’s going to make a one hiundred thousand dollar bill with them smilin’ swimmin’ fish!

please let me know what you think about… and what you prefer.

again i am happy to take these boxes of cash to angola and take some sense into those mean awful nast men who are making you act so wimminish by having to have a strong amerikan man lkike myself go to dublin and pick up some silly steal boxes for you…. your call, but mark my words dr. savimbi you will have to face the music sooner or later.. this is why i hope to poke and prod you with my tough love words that i am writing right now as i think about you long and hard/

thank you augusto…. it won’t be long now….. keep your head down and don’t fret… i am your friend and will help you.

god bless my friend, -patrick

p.s, lend me $400 to buy a train ticket to dublin. now!

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: What seems to be the problem.
Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004

Dear Patrick,

How are you today, I hope you are fine? My dear friend why have you decided to abandon me at this time of need. I have waited to hear good news from you but uptil this minute I have not heard from you to know how far you have gone with the security company in Dublin.

Please my dear friend, rescue my family from our present predicament. I look forward to hearing from you. God bless you.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: What seems to be the problem.
Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004

hi augusto….

didn’t you get my last message?

in it explained i am all prepared to go to dublin and offered solutions for and explained several different ways i am prepared to help….  i sent it about 2 days ago and I was hoping for some more substantial information from you in response.

please go back and review your messages…..  i leave for dublin in 14 days.

kindly, -patrick

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: What seems to be the problem.
Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004

Hiya Augusto!!!!!!!!

How is you today??

Happeee Happeee New Years to you my good friend!!!!!

I am so happeee today! you know why? I just thoughts of another excellent solution tou our problem.

Can’t i just send the payment to release the treasure via paypal? and then maybe that way dr. gossamer can just mail me the cash and diamonds. but then again if we go that-a-way i won’t get to see dublin. and i do want to see dublin, and feed the dublinese ducks when i get there…. you see i am something of a bird fancier and flutter at the joyous thought of embarking to this wonder dublin country to take a good geeky gander at their native water-fowl in their natural habita-tat-tat.

okay you decide…. paypal or dubline… there are pros and cons to both idears.

thank you my friend…… don’t go too krazy on new years eve now ya hear? I want there to be some Nandu Savimbi left-over to hug when we celebrate the bountiful reward and life changing richness of the pirates plunder we will enjoy soon.

Thank you Dr. Savimbi… may the force be with you.

sincerely, -patreek

p.s. what seems to be the problem with YOU??!!!??

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: make thr trip to Dublin.
Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004

Dear Patrick,

Thanks for the mail and the wishes for the new year, I wish you the same. My dear friend, time is really not our friend here that is why I am pleading with you to take some urgent step to see that the consignment is safely deposited in your custody.

I will advise you proceed to Dublin so that you can access the content of the consignment physical before it is transfer so as to be sure it was not tempered with. Please do this for me, the ideal of paying money and waiting for the consignment does not appeal to me. I beg you my friend, do this for my family and we would for ever be greatful to you.

Once you are set to travel to Dublin please do let me know. I hope to hear from you. God bless you.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: make thr trip to Dublin.
Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004

hello my little little friend!

okay okay….. sheeeze Augusto…. relax a little would ya?

i am going to go to dublin for you and i might add its kind of real bothersome irksome thing for you to have to insist that i do. specially in light of the fact that i need to find hospice care for my ailing kooky-kitten-kat. i think i told you about how he got his hoof caught under the neighbors door? well he did and and his poor weency lil paw is all chorn up like a tragic little sausage.

the other thing that is weighing heavy on my consciousness is this mr. christopher goss from euro-security. this is hard for me tell you mix-master savimbi since you are my friend but i feel you have the right to know. okay, here it goes: i don’t trust him. and i think you will be well-advised to be weary and leary of him as well. he strikes me as a pompous fellow who is giving me the high-hat… i’m sick of the high-hat! (unless its a pork-pie but thats another story) When I askeded him if I was going to need a raincoat in Dublin he replied and I quote: ” Yes, the weather in dublin is cold and you will need raincoat (jacket).” what a jerk!!! i mean what i say and i say what i mean…. and in this case i meant and said RAINCOAT specifically a RAINCOAT not a whimpy little “jacket”… why fore would he twist my words around to imply that he knew better than i what type of climate protection i would need? Why? Why? Its not polite and I am very distrustful of him now. He’s a pee-hole and when i see him in dublin i’m going to “acidently” step on his toes… oops! ha ha ! that’ll be funny! that’ll show that pompous jerky ass-face!!! I can’t wait!

so i’m still not sure why he wants $6500 for storage and transaction fee… oh sure he “explained” it to me but i don’t trust him. so let me go to dublin, and i’ll have that freak mr. goss pry open them jewls and cash dollars just to make sure they are there…. this is for your protection dr. savimbi!! i want to make sure that the jewels and cash monies is there in the steal cans before i give him the $6500 that i have been saving for a special rainy snowy day…. a special rainy, snowy day with sleet and thunder and lighting and the booming commanding voice of god himself through that thunder! oh yes! and if the pirates plunder is there i shall extract the $6500 dollars and whap him in the snout with the crisp bills. how does that sound my good good friend Dr. Nandu Augusto Savimbi Santini??!!!

Okay i leave for dublin next friday june 7th and i don’t want top see or hear nothing from prissy lil Mr. Christopher Goss until that day when I whiuff him in the snout with the greenbacks… all my communication should be with you, my good friend Augusto…. a small favor for me is all i ask, spare me the indiginity of forcing me to deal with Goss…. he’s mean and i hate him.

happy new years!

fondly, -patrick

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Is it 7th June or 7th January 2005.
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2005

Dear Patrick,

How was your new year day celebration, I hope it was nice? I got your mail and I must confess that I am happy that you have heeded my plea to go to Dublin and personally get the consignment. Please my friend, I want to plead with you to create an atmosphere of friendship with Mr. Goss before proceeding to Dublin because you will need his assistance in transfering the cash to your account and also they will be of assistance in terms of the deposition of the jewels expect you are telling me you can take care of this without any assistance.

We don’t need to have any quarrel with him as that could make things difficult for you and I. Forget about his pompomsity, all we need is our consignment and once that is out of their jurisdiction they can go to hell. But for now let us play cool with them. As for your travelling date you have to inform him to get their company ready as we don’t want a situation where they will keep you more than your required time schedule with an excuse that they were not officially informed of your arrival.

I will not tell them, you have to do it yourself. Please get friendly with Mr. Goss and lets get the consignment out of their possession. This will be the happiest thing that would happen in life of my family for the new year. 2005.

Least I forget, in your mail to me you stated that you will hit Dublin on the 7th of june 2005, do you mean 7th january 2005 or 7th june 2005.

Please let me know the precise day as june can not be proper except you are telling us that you can not assist us. Our condition is critical here and anything that will delay the completion of this transaction more than neccessary will mean punishing my family.

I await your mail. In the event of your departure date being 7th january 2005. I want you to keep me informed once you are in Dublin. God bless you.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Please get serious.
Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2005

Dear Patrick,

First let me say that the business with my country’s Government is not a child’s play because the Government have the instrument force and the financial means to fight any individual and that the family have a miga sum of US$35M in a fixed deposit does not give us the guarantee that we can stand their force. So all I am asking you is to help me get the funds from where it is right now for investment into a meaningful business that can raise the financial profile of the family and not to tell me how to fight our course.

From your mails so far it looks as if you are not taking this transaction serious. My dear this is a serious transaction because the amount of money involve is huge and the diamonds are a treasure to behold, moreso our lifes are essentially important because of the nature of our country’s politics. So this act you are putting up is making me feel that you must be thinking this is a joke.

I am not in anyway joking at all and if you feel that what we have asked you to do is some internet joke then I advise you just allow me to look for somebody serious who knows what the struggle of Angola opposition party is all about. We can not stand here and see our people suffer unjustly when we have the resources to assist them so we need an urgent solution not this drag that you are offering me.

If you are serious and willing to get this consignment for my family, I advise you start to make adequate arrangement with the security company in Dublin. We would not stand and watch you reck all that we have struggle for because you feel this is one internet jokes.

We have received strong words from the security company and we are afraid that we might lose our hard earn resources if the consignment is made an open issue in Angola. It will be better to face the hang man than allow the Government get wind of this funds. SO please get serious and help us out if that is your true idea.

I have told you severally that whatever you spend will be reimburse to you upon confirmation that the funds is safely deposited in your account. Having been made to understand what the US$6,500.00 is meant for I will advise that you take that as part of the sacrifies that you are making for my family and the libration of my people. This money and all that you spend including your travel expenses will be reimburse to you later when we all meet. This is the time to show some mercy, love and kindness to us. We will do our part when the funds have be successfully secured in your possession.

Please contact Dublin right away and work out a very friendly arrangement. I await your urgent mail. God bless you.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: Is it 7th June or 7th January 2005.
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2005

Dear Mister Augusto:

It is January 7th…..  this is this Friday via continental airlines….  i have copied the itinerary below….  as you can see it is accosting me $2,400 perfectly good Amerikan mighty dollars to makes this trip…  i fully expect to be re-imbursed in diamonds for this particular expense directly from the steal boxes immediately upon my arrival at the office of dr. goss.

it also appears as you have dismissed my concerns about dealing with the Goss fellow.  I propsed to you in corespondence that i deal directly with you up until the time i meet dr. gossamer in dublin… please my dear friend head my concerns about this Goss character…. i am willing only to help if i am permitted to deal with those i trust…  and i trust and dare i say, adore you, my little Savimbi.  I am willing to play nice with Goss in dublin but I don’t want to have to listen to his screaching voice again on the telebone, nor do I desire to read his namby-pamby pretty-boy prose via e-mail.  I wish to deal with you and you can coordinate up to the meeting with Goss in Dublin.  You would think that if I am going to secure your 35 million dollars for you you could indulge me this one favor?  Is it worth 35 million dollars to you to insist that I deal with those I don’t trust?  If so, we need to rethink our partnership and relationship… personal and otherwise.

I am making this huge scarifice by traveling to dublin for you and putting up $6500 and paying all my expenses and i think i told you about how my kooky-kitten-kat was ill and now I have to bring him along for the trip because I can’t let him leave my site in his condition… have you ever heard a kitten-kat meow and howl all the way from seattle to dublin?  its not a pretty sound my friend. so yes, I am doing all this for you because I believe in you Augusto and I want to help…. plus I want to snag a few million and some ice for myself.. is that okay?  I don’t want to fully wait until you arrive with your family to disburse teh funds.. I have big ideas and need to invest quickly.  My brother in law joey has his fish farm and I also am breaking ground on a roller-rink that requires investment….. both invenstments are sound and growth industries…..  I know this, but don’t ask me how….  I just do.  Trust me as I am trusting you my dear dear fellow.

Do you like Mr. Goss ?  I wonder if you don’t like me any more or trust me if perhaps you should ask him if he would like to invest the money for you instead of I?  I ask you this because you stated that and I quote:  “all we need is our consignment and once that is out of his jurisdiction he can go to hell.”  Would you say that once you get the consigment from me that I could go to hell too?  I am a bit worried about your loyalty  Dr. Savimbi.

I am also somewhat taken aback by your telling me “to please get serious”  I am seriously serious….   i have a very stern look on my face right now on my face as a matter of fact.    I have an  addiction to pain killers and accidently poppled a few of my kooky-kitten-kat’s medicines which has caused me to get over-wrought-excited-and manic in my prose to you…..  perhaps the cash and diamond pirates treasure i shall soon be in posession of will help me to either buy all teh painkillers I can get my hands on and take so many i get sick of them or die, or alternatively enroll in the Dr. Sigmund C. Muenster’s detox clinic.

Thank you Mr Savimbi augusto…..  i think 1995 is going to be a great year!

fondly fondling, -patrick

Continental Airlines Flight 1580 / 22
8:15am Seattle/Tacoma, WA  (SEA)
8:00am – Sat, Jan 8
Next day arrival Dublin, Ireland (DUB)
15hrs  45min  – 1  Stop

Change planes in  Newark, NJ (EWR)
$2,473 per person
Business Class

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Please get in touch with Eurosecurity, it’s important.
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2005

Dear Patrick.

Thanks for the mail, I am happy to know that you will be in Dublin this friday (7/1/05). My dear friend, I have no reason to doubt your seriousness but I was just being cautious because I don’t want a situation where the security company in Dublin will refuse to attend to you. That is why I ask that you should let them know your arrival date and act friendly.

I am not asking you to trust Mr. Goss to your detriment, I am only say that since he is the man in charge of that office we should work with him and follow his instruction.

My family owns the consignment and you are our front man, this has now made you the new beneficiary to the consignment. Yes you will have to deal with us because we own the consignment but you will also have to deal with Mr. Goss and the security company because they are presently the custodian of the consignment. They will be the people to hand over the consignment to you and the responsibility to ascertain your true status falls on them that is why you must be friendly with them now before your arrival there so that things will move accordingly.

I do not know Mr. Goss, I have not met him and I don’t know his predegree, the only time I spoke with him was when we were making arrangement for you to be the new beneficiary, so I can not attest to his character, the only thing I know is that he is an employee of Euro security and will not in anyway act contrary to the regulations of his employer.

Once you arrival Dublin tomorrow let me have your contact. You are also expected to get in touch with the security company on arrival. My dear friend you will get back all that you spend and more so do not panic for this family is an honest family and we are a God fearing family and will never act contrary to our promise. I hope to hear from you. God bless you

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: Please get in touch with Eurosecurity, it’s important.
Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2005

dear sweet augusto……….

okay so its set…  i wake up first thing saturday morn and i hop on the plane to dublin…  yee-ha!  looking forward to everything…  i also found out that dublin isn’t a country after all, its a CITY in a country call Ireland.  has a nice ring to it don’t it?  I-r-e-l-a-n-d.  sounds so peaceful and calming i may just stay a few extra days and spend some of your money on  a nice hotel and go leprechan hunting.

anyhoo……  down to business…  sorry about the mix up on the date…  if you check my itinerary it does state that  I arrive on saturday january 08….  i forgots about that wacky international date-line…  you loose I day…..  but its okay,  I’ll be charging you an extra couple schmolies in expenses for that lost day….  my dear augusto you never know what coulda happened on that day and it’ll be just like “zappo!”  gone into nothing and it will be all your fault….  so i’ll just bill you for that day as if some really great things were going to happen to me…  ii’m speculatin’ that day woulda been worth at least a couple grand to me…  thanks for the understanding around this.  (my uncle joey will regale you with bawdy tales of some his experinces with his own ‘international dateline’ when we get together to split up the treasure…  tales that will wake up yer willy.)

yes, so right…..   back to the issue at hand….  the handy issue….    i’ll e-maul dr. goss a brief howdy-do saying i’m coming to dublin, and when i hit the street he better be ready and be on his best behavior…  i’ll call him from the airstation and let him know i’m on my way.  i’ve decided for your security and mine i’ll be packing some heat.  thats right my dear fellow, i’m bringing my trusty snub-nose and i don’t want any funny business from goss or his associates.   just tell them to hand over the cash and the ice and nobody gets hurt…  then when i sign the papers and we successfully transfer the consignment we can all go out for a pint of guiness and eat a bunch of bowls of lucky charms, or what ever them crazy rascally dublinese do to celebrate.  do you fancy me lucky charms savimbi?  you do don’t you!!??  oh savimbi i knew it!  i’m so so happeee!  one taste of my charms boy and you’l never go know what hit you….  you scummy lovable little heathen you!.  aaahh bliss.

soon i will call for you and your entire unshaven clan and you can come to amerika and see all we have done and built with the pirates treasure you have so wisely chosen me to reign over….  roller rinks, fish farms, you name it!  then i will be so happy to see you and we can finally get it on.  oooh….  yes!  that will be a glorious day. i can introduce you to some of my favorite american snacks… fiddle-faddle, goober-peas and snow cones.  all are nutricious and delicious and over tome you too like me will learn to love this diet. its just one of the many adjustments you willl be making once you arrive here and we split up the cash-a-roo.

right, okay…  sorry augusto…  i’m rambling on like a starry eyed skool girl…  just can’t wait to start our new life together…  but tell that bastard goss not to pull any funny bizness i’m packing heat, i’m going to have one kranky-kooky-kitten-kat in a box in one hand and my gun in another…  and i’ll be short on sleep and going through withdrawals from the pain-killers….  in short..  i’m going to be wild-eyed, unpredictable, and plain freaked-out, ya hear me?  i will be freaky from the jet-lag and all you have forced me through lately…  this is serious business and i still have that stern look on my face to prove it.

right.  its game time savimbi….  i’ll be seeing your associates in dublin.

love, patreek

p.s.  whats your sign??

From: Christoper Goss
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: contact me urgently
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2005

Dear Mr.Partrick, Sir , we have not hear from you since my last e-mail to you before the holiday, becuase we need to know when exactly you are coming to Dublin to enable us to prepare and process your consignment for you, please give us a call ASAP or provid your telepone number for us to call you on,I await your urgent reply.

Christopher Goss,

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Christoper Goss
Subject: Re: contact me urgently
Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2005

GOSS: STOP.

ME ARRIVES SATURDAY JUNE 8TH IN DUBLIN VIA CONTINENTAL AIRWAYS. STOP.

ITINERARY FOLLOWS. STOP.

NO FUNNY BUSINESS. STOP.

I AM A SERIOUS MAN WITH SERIOUS BIZZNESS. STOP.

WILL CONTACT YOU UPNOI ARROVAL. STOP.

I HAVE ALL THE DETAILS I NEED. STOP.

WILL MEET YOU AT YOUR OFFICE. STOP.

GOOD BYE GOSS. STOP.

STERNLY YOURS. STOP.

FROM PATRICK FOR NANDU AUGUSTO SAVIMBI. STOP.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER I’M ON MY WAY. STOP.

From: Christoper Goss
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Re: contact me urgently
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2005

Hello,

Sir, I will not  entertain any funny altitude from you, if you not sure why you are coming to Dublin?, I sugest to you that you contact Mr Sovimbi!!

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Christoper Goss
Subject: Re: contact me urgently
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2005

mr. goss:

i am not asking you to entertain any funny altitude from me at all.  i simply was alerting you to my impending arrival in a manner which is customary for urgent and serious matters.  for instance the manner of which i communicated is similiar to what the military uses… straightforward, serious and all business.

i know exactly why i am coming to dublin and have been in contact with mr. sovimbi.  why on earth would i go through the expense and time to come to dublin if i knew not what for?

If anyone us exhibiting funny altitudes today it is not I…  I am very serious and have a stern look on my face to prove it.  this you will see when i meet with you in dublin on the 8th.  i will also alert you that for everyone’s safety i will be packing heat.

thank you good sire, i will contact you as soon as i hit the tarmac in dublin.

sincerely mine, -patrick

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: We look on to God as you set for Dublin.
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2005

My dear firend,

I must confess that each time you write to me I am left confused. I can not place your statements so please always simplify your statements.

Please send me your telephone number again as I have misplace the first one you sent to me. Like discussed earlier immediately you get to Dublin send me a forwarding contact, so that I can communicate with you when you are in Dublin.

You should please keep to your words of sending mail to Mr. Goss before you leave for Dublin. It is important and of benefit to us, as we do not want anything that will delay the release of the consignment.

I look forward to hearing from you. God bless you.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: We look on to God as you set for Dublin.
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2005

dear mr. savimbini……

fear not as i aim not to confuse thou…..  thou art a treasure to behold as are the icy diamonds.

perhaps i can put it to you ( and soon i will relish !) in a manner you can understand:

ME GOING TO DUBLIN.

ME LEAVE TODAY

ME ARRIVE SATURDAY

ME CONTACT MY GOOD FRIEND SAVIMBI WHEN I HIT THE STREET.

ME GIVE SAVIMBI MY DUBLIN CONTACT INFO

ME BRING GUN FOR PROTECTION

ME PEACEFUL.

ME KITTEN, YOU KAT!

okay???  i already sent mr. goss a e-mail…  we are all on the same page.

thank you and god bless you for giving me the strength to carry on all my baggage and kooky-kitten-kat on the plane.

thank you savimbi.. it shant be long now. -patrick

p.s.  come and get one in the yarbles, if you have any yarbles…. you eunich jelly thou!

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: We look on to God as you set for Dublin.
Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2005

AUGUSTO:

ME IN DUBLIN.

ME THROW UP ON PLANE.

ME KOOKY-KITTEN-KAT IS COVERED IN PUKE.

ME VERY VERY TIRED.

ME MET GOSS.

ME GOT BOXES OF CASH AND ICEY DIAMONDS.

THANK YOU!!

THANK YOU!!

THANK YOU!!!

I AM A HAPPY MAN!

love you til the world shits, -PATRICK

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: what is happening?
Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2005

My dear friend,

I have not heard from you as expected, which means that you have not made the trip to Dublin as promised. Please keep me posted because I am anxious to know when the consignment will be release to you. God bless you.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: What are you up to?
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2005

Dear Patrick,

I do not know why you have decided to make mockery of the transaction. You told me you will be in Dublin and when you are there you will give me a forwarding address and contact phone. But you did not do that, now you say you have the consignment with you. The security company is claiming that you did not come forward for the release of the consignment and that any more delay will lead to the consignment be sent back to Angola.

Now who do I believe, you claim to have the consignment and they claim that you have not been seen and that consignment is still in their possession. Please update me for I am confuse and don’t like the present senerio. I hope to hear something positive from you. God bless you.

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: What are you up to?
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2005

My Dearest Augusto……

Thank you for your nice e-maul.

I’m not exactly sure what you mean…..  I have received the consignment and have paid the $6500 in storage, transaction fees and fee fees directly in cash to Euro Security.

I didn’t even get a chance to give you my contact info,  as the moment i schlepped off the Big Scary airplane the fine folks from eurosecurity were waiting for me and whisked me off to a secure undisclosed location where we did the dirty deed.  Mr. Gossamer sent his cousin Bossamer, “Boss Goss” in his place as Christopher Goss had a bad case of the trots it seems….  he was sick that is…  sicked up in the entrails as it were…  not pretty….  and Boss Goss turned out to be a very nice fellow….  a bit too high-strung, but nice.  I didn’t even have to pull out my gun to pistol whip him nor at any time did I feel the urge to bust a cap in his arse…  I’m saving that thrust for you my dear….  oopsie!  (I just can’t help myself sovimibi you have that effect on me…. naughty… naughty!)

Anyway…..  yes I have the consignment…. I gave Gosses associates the cash, we signed the papers for the transfer and I arranged for the consigment to be placed in a safety deposit safety-safe-omatic box and it is in safe keeping until I have it transferred to my beautifully corupt homeland…..   thank you!

Once the consigment arrives in America this month I will begin investing it for us…  the roller rinks, Smilin’ Swimmin’ Fish Fish Farm franchises, aunt betsey’s cucumber ranch etc.  we will all be healthy wealthy and finally have each our own barthrooms and all the Cap n’ Crunch I never dreamt of!!

So yes, I did come forward…  with my gun in one and hand and my kooky-kitten-kat in a box in another…  and I did meet with associates representing dr. goss and i did give them $6500 in cash and they did give me the consignment and we did sign the papers and they did let me use a few towels to wipe the puke off my rascally feline….  and we did celebrate afterwards…..  man sovimbi you missed a great party!  guinness pints, girls, boys, midgets, bowls of lucky charms…  you name it!  You should really quit living this dysfunctional 3rd world existence in angola and join us here in the human race in the first world..  i don’t understand why you insist on living in such a shit-hole…  come on savimbi.. I have all your money now…  I’m gonna put you up on a pedastal like a eighteen year-old girl!  Here in the states!  Why, you’ll love it!  I’ll shower you with gifts, fresh sheets, champagne and hostess ho-ho’s!  And we can start our own Savimibi Almighty Company Corp.

Thank you Augusto….  rest assured I did give the money to the security company in Dublin…  why for you try to cornfuse me?

Hardened regards, -patrick

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Check this out patrick & steve
Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005

Dear Patrick/Steve.

I thought you are an honest person who is trying to help out a family that is need but I have come to find out that you are here to mock my family and to cause us more pain.

Having seen the 2 mails that you sent to me in which you were telling your friend steve of your desceptive tricks on my family. I have come to realise that you are nothing but a fraudster who was waiting in the corner to reap from where you did not swore.

I am highly disappointed because we have spent energy believing that we have seen the perfect front for our money and diamonds. As it stands now we will have to inform the security company that you are fraudent and they should not attend to you any longer as we do not have confidence in you any more.

Thanks for wasting our time. I pray that God will laught at you the way you have done to my family.

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: you’re nuts savimbi!
Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005

whoah!  easy there my little Nandu…  whats all this crazy talk? steve is my (our silent) business partner……  the lawster for our future operations.  perhaps your command of the english language has confused you my dear friend?   I was simply including him in the e-mauls so all the t’s were dotted and all the i’s were crossed.

anyhoo……  I am far from ‘a fraudster who am waiting in the corner to reap from where I do not swore’…   if anything I am a serious and stern business mangler who wait in the sunshiney center to reap the benefits from when my good friend Augusto Savimbi comes to his senses, quits being paranoid and stops all this talk of being taken advantage of…  its krazy talk savimbi!  you’re nuts!!  (speaking of your nuts….  mmmmmh!)

Now, I do have your consignment……  and the security company does have the $6500.00…  so were even-steven.  (this is an amerikian expression… don’t go krazy on me now ya hear?)

I think the security company is trying to pit you and me against each other to create confusion…..  they want you out of the picture Savimbi in order to streamline their operation…..  hence they aim to confuse you and plant seeds of craziness into your poor wil’ bwain.

I aim to help and have big plans……  I am a man of means…  of slender means…..  why, each house-hold appliance is like a new science in my town!

Please don’t take the security company’s bait….   its mean old deceptive Goss…  I told you not to trust him…  he is trying to drive a wedge between us…  he’s jealous!  Jealous of the wealth, warmth and happiness we have found together!

sternly yours,
-patrick

From: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
To: Patrick Fisher
Subject: Have a nice day in your dream world
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005

Dear Patrick Fisher,

I think you are the worst criminal I have ever come across. The western world and Europe have always call Africans premitive and crude but I think that phrase should be use for you and your country men.

Look at you trying to cheat a family in need, this family is known for it stands against oppression and we are freedom fighters, so don’t think because we ask you for this little help you can now talk to me the way you deem fit.

There are one and thousand persons out there that will be ready and willing to assist us, get our funds and diamond so your senseless attitude will not in anyway stop us from getting our funds. From your mails I can deduce that you are a spoilt little brat who do not know what life is all about, I am sure you have not even heard of the name Savimbi before in your life until you got my mail. That goes to show that you are either an infant or retard. I advise that you grow up and learn the intricacies of world politics,social and economic activities.

I can assure you that in the next minutes I will get people pressuring me to assist us in getting this funds out for the pursuit of our struggle. I am not boasting but when I get somebody I trust and have confidence on. I will let you know and when the consignment is finally collected I will send you words to come and see who I am.

Have a nice day in your dream world.

Best regards,

Augusto.

From: Patrick Fisher
To: Augusto Nandu Savimbi
Subject: Re: Have a nice day in your dream world
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005

hi “augusto”….

that was great!

thanks for the scathing attack…  I love how you still refuse to admit you are a nigerian scam artist….  thats rich!

When you say “I am sure you have not even heard of the name Savimbi before in your life until you got my mail. That goes to show that you are either an infant or retard. I advise that you grow up and learn the intricacies of world politics, social and economic activities.”

You are correct I am not familiar with Savimbi (except you my little savimbi cherub!)  I am sensitive to political struggles and oppression, but you trying to run a scam to exploit whatever situation exists in Angola is pretty bad my friend…  you should be ashamed of yourself….  also, why do I have to be either an infant or a retard?  can’t i be both?  i would like be a retarded infant with your permission…  thank you.

also…  when you say “so don’t think because we ask you for this little help you can now talk to me the way you deem fit.”  I suggest you adopt a more stylish and threatening tone…..  try this:

“I don’t like you should do what you done. And I’m not your brother no more and wouldn’t want to be.  Yarbles, great bolshy yarblockos to you…  I’ll meet you with chain, or nozh or britva, any time, I’m not having you aiming tolchocks at me reasonless. It stands to reason, I won’t have it.”

and then I can say:  “Watch that… Do watch that, O Nandu, if to continue to be on live thou dost wish!”

here’s another clue….  when one of your potential victims starts talking about his “kooky-kitten-kat” and other wacky-oddities you should begin to question whether or not he’s for real.  Plus it gives you away as a fraud……  who in their right mind would intrust millions of dollars in cash and diamonds to a nut-job unless they were scamming? (also, forget the diamonds augusto….  c’mon…  this isn’t 1642)

You seem relatively new to this game…..  over time you will learn to know when someone is fucking with you…..  but if you insist on sending out spam like this and attempt to defraud honest hardworking trusting people you should expect to be fucked with…..  go find honest work my dear friend.

lastly…….  now, i do have your consigment and i deposited it in a safe deposit in dublin…..  but now I don’t have enough money to bail it out…..  I NEED YOUR HELP Augusto……  please go to dublin for me and pay my security company $6500 to release the consigment…..  in it you will find $35 million dolars and $16 million of icey diamonds…  please me dear good friend…  I need this money to pay for my trip home from Dublin and also to pay my kooky-kitten-kat’s vet bills.  For your kindness and willingness I am will to let you share 20% of this treasure and let you invest it in your country where it is good.

I’m having a great day in my dream world…  how are things in your dream world today???

Check out these links…..
http://www.419eater.com/html/trophy_room.htm
http://www.zefrank.com/request/index_better.html

Good bye “Augusto”  my kooky-kitten-kat is hissing at you……
-patrick

Like this entry? You can follow me on Twitter here, subscribe via email here, or get the RSS feed if that's how you roll.

82 Responses:

  1. Adam says:

    You might want to take down his name and the link to his store.
    You wouldn`t want any angry nigerians paying him a visit, would you? :D

    There used to be a site up called 419eaters, and the entire purpose of the site was to mess with these scam artists. They were actually able to “scam the scam artist” a couple times and get their money. Funny Stuff.

  2. Keith says:

    That is some funny poop. Keep ‘em coming…

  3. Vladimir says:

    Heh. I’ve gotten these scam emails before, but I’ve never actually thought of messing with them. Kudos to Patrick for succeeding in wasting the efforts of “Augusto.”

  4. Pretty funny, kind of reads like a bad Hollywood movie plot!

  5. Josh says:

    I’ve always wanted to do that to those annoying scammers, or just blast them or DOS them or something enjoyable like that, so thanks!

  6. Shane says:

    What happens if somebody shows up in Dublin? I know they probably kidnap you and ransom you or something, but even so, I’m tempted to do it. Give them the wrong address and then stake out the address to watch if a car full of Nigerians shows up.

    On a related note, I have a friend who’s a manager at Wells Fargo here in MN and she actually had a customer who got scammed for somewhere around two grand from one of these Nigerian things. He showed up all nervous, asked to speak to her privately in her office, and told her that he had a “wire transfer of a considerable sum” coming through. Was some old guy and his wife and they absolutely did NOT have two grand to spare, so losing it was a hardship. She said he started accusing Wells Fargo of some sort of trickery. Sad.

  7. ALL CAPS. CLASSIC SCAM EMAIL. LOL.
    I’ve gotta take some more time to read all of it, but I was already laughing from the first few takes back and forth.

  8. Used to be 419eater? It’s here!.
    Anyway, great example of great fun :)

  9. Tom says:

    Oh man this was hilarious! I strung one of these guys along for awhile but he didn’t take the bait for as long.

    You have to love how Patrick’s demeanor and words get crazier and crazier, the spelling and the prose, while the scammers e-mails kind of ‘pop out of character’ and get more serious. Suddenly his spelling and english got better ROTFL.

    The dude is doing everything he can to push the scam to get his money, and he is foiled at every e-mail LOL, can’t wait to see more.

    Tom

  10. Jim Amos says:

    Yeah I’ve been ‘scam baiting’ a few times, the results can be hilarious. The best thing is when you ask the scammer to send a picture of himself doing something ridiculous. There’s a great one on that 419eater website where the guy balances wine and a loaf of bread on his head LMAO. How insane. I often wonder how many westerners are actually stupid enough to give over any bank information.

    Always remember though: if you’re going to bait one of these idiots, use an anonymous e-mail account – because you’ll undoubtedly end up with a ton more spam from their ‘associates’, plus of course they could find out who you really are and they might be mad.

  11. Good god; I just lost an hour or so of productivity on that one… that’s fantastic!!

    It’s amazing how resilient they are… most of us would have caught on that our scam was being, well, scammed. In all honesty, though I have my doubts about the human race, is this REALLY that lucrative of a business. My cynicism says yes, but I’ve yet to hear numbers (aside from spammers selling products, that is) — anyone have any statistics?

  12. Tom says:

    “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER I’M ON MY WAY. STOP.”

    ROTFL, oh man I am busting a gut reading this. The guy is totally brilliant. This needs to be made into some kind of short film or something, it’s just too funny. Sorry to post twice but I had to say that. Let’s just hope the ending is as good as the beginning and middle.

    Now straighten out your altitudes, people!

  13. Mike D. says:

    More additions this morning.

    Also, in case you haven’t seen Zefrank’s video parody of the e-mail scam, check it out here. (via Jason Santa Maria)

  14. Eric says:

    “thats the most gynelogical solution i have thinked up yets”

    laughing,..just laughing. That was a good hour.

  15. sara says:

    KOOK! Poor tired kranky kitten-kat. you should look at ebolamonkeyman.com- more of same and picture.

  16. Hahaha. That is f*cking hilarous!!

  17. Keith says:

    I know a guy who did something similar, except his humorous responses were given from the perspective of Col. John “Hannibal” Smith of TV’s “The A-Team.” This link should get you to his transcripts of the event: http://www.crazyjoe.us/archive.htm

  18. Chan says:

    funny stuff

  19. Kyle says:

    Only something as brilliant as this could make me spend 30 minutes of my day doing nothing but sitting here reading this and cracking up.

    TIME WELL SPENT. STOP.

  20. This is as fine a piece of literature as I’ve ever seen. If they could only resurrect the original emails, this would make a great humor book.

    Man I wish I had time to play somebody like this!

    Great post Mike.

  21. Ray says:

    Too funny by a long shot. Forget about the short movie. I can see Quentin Tarantino and crew making a block buster outta this. John Travolta or Eric Stoltz as the rascally Amerikan, Ving Rhames as Augusto and Samuel Jackson as Goss. The rest of the crew could fill out the other characters in the movie nicely. And Harvey Keitel… an Irish crime boss in competition with the Nigerians.

    Oh man… the skies the limit.

  22. jon says:

    What I always have found amazing is that these guys really are for real (i.e. they will answer correspondence)

    More fun, featuring Billy Rubin and Dr. Acula.

  23. Mike D. says:

    Nice. Thanks for the additional links everyone. I figured someone had probably done this sort of thing before but it appears to be somewhat of a cottage industry!

    I just added two more e-mails today…

  24. Phil says:

    I did a similar thing a few months back (since I was bored during lunch), except I recorded the phone conversations and managed to get them to think that I actually made a trip to Amsterdam – almost had him driving to Rotterdam to pick me up too.

  25. Mikolaj says:

    Oh, great great stuff. The only problem I see now is that the “Mr.” in Afrika will Google himself to see the latest and come across your site.

    keep it coming.

  26. Sam Ryan says:

    Patrick is awesome.

  27. Blake says:

    Holy cow crap, that’s some funny stuff. Patrick is the man.

  28. megwoo says:

    this is too funny. i’m reading it at work and trying not to laugh out loud, but i’m shaking like i’m having seizures.

  29. runlevel0 says:

    Kewl stuff, specially the point of Patrick carrying a gun, LOL.

    What I wonder about is: Are those guys really from Nigeria or are they Irish?

    I have read that there are kinda “scammer banks” in some eastern european countries…

    I even go a belly ache from laughing… Phun Stuff!!!

  30. Mike D. says:

    Four new e-mails today. Updated…

  31. Hi, just happened to troll by and see your post on 419 scams.

    For the guy who wanted to DoS these guys, yes you can. Check out Artists Against 419, a site that links every single one of its images to servers hosting fake bank sites.

    So you eat their bandwidth just by being there, but there’s also a javascript version called the ‘lad vampire’ that’s a relentless suck on particular ‘target’ sites.

  32. Mike D. says:

    One more update today. I think the jig is up! Nice work Patrick.

  33. Patric says:

    Thats the only way to talk with them!! Congratulation, Mike!
    Did you ever have contact with the “Eurosecurity” in Amsterdam? And maybe with a Mr. van de Brook?

    Thanks

    Patric

  34. patrick fisher says:

    thanks to everyone for the interest and great posts…. i now know where to go to read even more hilarious and sophisticated scam-bait antics (http://www.419eater.com/) you will be pleased to know that i have re-engaged with savimbi using a different e-mail account and name (boy is this guy dim!) and am playing it strait but will soon have a trophy photo of him! cheers, and thanks again! -patrick

  35. two of the more hilarious scam-baiting hi-jinx:

    http://www.419eater.com/html/martins_jide.htm
    http://www.419eater.com/html/mariam_abacha.htm

    please visit…. hear me now and believe me later… thanks again for all the great info!!

    cheers,
    -patrick

  36. Peter Wolfe says:

    Hey guys! Funny stuff here! Any suggestions on joining a NIGERIAN SPAM list? I want IN on the ACTION! I’ve prepared a beautiful script and I think i’ll post it if I startup a conversation with these folks.

    -Peter Wolfe

  37. How to get in on it?

    For starters, don’t use your own email address — make up an identity, someone who lives on a different continent from yourself. Grab a gmail or Yahoo account… gmail is great because of the threading. The lads tend to avoid Hotmail, so stick to the other ones.

    Then, get yourself harvested. Find a bunch of ‘old-style’ guestbooks that display your email address.

    If you still (gasp) haven’t got any scams in a couple days, log into the 419eater forums and use one of the ‘surplus letters’.

    Finally: be safe and have fun. Paint yourself as a senior manager or lawyer about to retire with a fat wad of cash. For extra effect, buy a temporary domain with a fictional name (Perky McGiggles, anyone?), and put up a professional looking page about yourself. When the scam’s over, change your profession and change the page.

  38. Peter Wolfe says:

    Sounds good! I already made a fake account. (PETER WOLFE!)

    That aint my real name so if I’ve fooled you im off to a great start!

    Thanks for the info and I already got a few business oppurtunities if you know what I mean. *Chi-ching!*

    -Peter Wolfe (wink wink)

  39. Edgar T says:

    that was really nice.

    I am one of them getting lots of phone calls and emails from Augusto and the company. He first wanted me to go to the Netherlands then changed to Dubai as it is a free zone.

    Thanks to you.

    Cheers.

  40. Phil says:

    I receive 8 to 10 of these e-mails everyday. It’s so F%^$$*&% anoying. I don’t know what to do to stop them from comming. I liked the the e-mails you sent. it was funny ans would make a great movie plot.

  41. Daryl Ockert--Phoenix, AZ says:

    That was fabulous and hilarious, Mike! And a big thanks to Patrick. You, Patrick and a few of the others above have given me way more than enough inspiration to bait these scamming bastards in Africa.

    The scammers themselves have given me the incentive; I’ve been receiving their emails for almost 2 years now.

    One other item: These scammers work a number of African countries; not just Nigeria. I found your website with a google search on “African email scams.”

  42. eke uche mike says:

    he thaught he was playing with a fool but luck ran off him i pray that the long hands of the law will catch up with this set of people sooner or later
    thanks —-nigeria

  43. maint1344 says:

    I am playing with one of these scammers as we speak. This guy is an idiot if he thinks I really believe his s***. I am interested to see how long is takes for him to get bored with it, but until then I will have as much fun as I can.

  44. Lady Liberty says:

    Look at all the devastation in this world… and they have the nerve to do this. How do they sleep at night? I get these all the time and I reply with a nice “Thanks! The FBI’s gonna love this!” or something like that.
    I love how you messed with them like you have. Good for you! :)

  45. Jayallday01 says:

    That was hilarious!!!! I usually tell them that if they email me again, I will send a few U.S. war planes over there to bomb the shit out him!!

  46. DOG NABBIT!! YOUR LONG AWESOME POST MADE ME LOSE 15 MINUTES OF MY LIFE!!

    Good Job by the way! Kudos!

    What would be fun is if someone could create a BOT that could engage these crazy knuckleheads in conversations…

  47. Augusto Nandu Savimbi says:

    I eat kooky kitten and spit out entrails all over your
    consigment.

  48. Cathy says:

    I have been scammed by the nigirans bad. They sent me a forged check and like a dummy I took it to my bank and ask them if the check was good and of course not it was altered and forged. And I was arrested for forgery my local police department won’t help me I am there fall guy. The guy that sent it is out of Canada he has a prepaid cell phone. I have recored the last couple of phone conversations with him saying that I have been scammed and that they make over a million dollars a month and that they don’t do dugs and they do not hurt people but what do they think they are doing hurting us.

    I need 1,200 dollars by 12noon today to pay my bondsman for getting me out of jail. I have payed him everything but the 1,200 and I am asking for help so if anyone could please help me with this money and help me track down the people or tell me who to talk to that will help me clear my name. I have two children at home that I don’t want them to be hurt by this anymore than they have been already by these jurks that they call human people

    I would be so greatfull

    you can contact me at cespinoza@centurytel.net or call me at home
    417 458 1375

  49. Marko says:

    This is great. I made a mistake and replied to loto wining notification e-mail and now I get 10 scum emails into my inbox a day. I am just too pist to do something like this, but now I see it can be funny.

  50. Tricia says:

    That was great reading I too got my share of these scam e-mails if I ever get another one I think I willl try my share of scamming… have a good one !!!

  51. Shannon says:

    hahahahahhaha!! I just got sent my first email from Nandu Savimbi…planning on doing the same BS… thanks for the humor.

  52. Kris says:

    Brilliant read…!

    I myself am at the moment scamming a scamartist and would love to have some more tips to get the very best out of this.

  53. brigette says:

    I have received such an email that Augusto was contacting me to give the sum of $15 mil to the usa for me to invest part and use the rest to bring he and his family to the country here…he mentioned that i need to do nothing, that his “diplomat” would bring everything to me, then i received a call this morning to find out that he wanted his $6500 to get the money out of customs, that he was at an airport in california (i am in oregon)…stating that said associate was of diplomatic stance and he could not clear customs, but they could not check his bags because of his stature…now that is rich. i told him i am a single mom on welfare, and cant come up with that sort of money because i live in poverty myself, and was just looking for some kind of a “good deed” to help redeem myself and bring some good karma into my life. thank you for such a good idea…if it werent for you, my insomniac nights would have been simply filled with mindless boredom.

  54. Orlando says:

    After reading your script, I’m now looking forward to the next scammer that emails me and do what you did. Usually when I get those scammers email I just tell them that I have the FBI working with me on their case for our protection and will be contacting them shortly.

  55. Tom says:

    I have just recieved the following email. Could it be the same man? The whole story has a very similar premise…

    FROM :MR MICHAEL SAVIMBI,
    Private Email : michsavimbi0005@yahoo.com
    Ph:+27-73-547-5519
    SANDTON,JOHENNESBURG,
    SOUTH AFRICA.

    Dear Sir/Madam,

    This mail for sure will be a surprise to you because it is coming from a stanger, but never the less it is going to be of immence benefit to you.

    Iwrite this with utmost humility,trust and confidence. My name is Mr MICHAEL SAVIMBI the eldest son of the second wife to the late rebel leader in Angola, Mr JONAS SAVIMBI of blessed memory. My father has been the cause of thecivil war my country since 1975. The government of Angola wanted him dead all these years. Now he is dead. Before he died, he kept some amount of money in a trunk box and he kept it in a private security company in South Africa for safe keeping.

    The real content of the box was not disclosed to the Security Company. The total amount of money he kept there was US$ 30.8M [Thirty Million Eight hundred thousand United States Dollars}.And he instructed me that in the event of his death that I should judiciosly utilise the money in a profitable business for the upkeep of the family.

    Since the death of my father,government agents have been consistently threatening our lives we therefore decided to leave Angola for South Africa. Presently we are seeking asylum there.Because of our refugee status we are unable to operate a bank account above $2,000.00 . 30% of the total money will be yours ,5% will be set out for all unforeseen expences and the remaining 65% will be for my family and I.

    Are you willing to help me transfer this money into your country through your account?If you are please reply me immediately using my e-mail address or you can aswell call me on phone using my contact no above.I want to invest this money in a profitable business after the transfer.

    It is absolutely a confidential transaction. What we need from you is your consent.All documents regarding the money and the Security Company are with our attorney.This is a call from a family that is in dare need of assistance.

    Your reply is urgently needed.

    Best Regards,

    MICHAEL SAVIMBI
    [FOR THE FAMILY]

  56. Renee says:

    I came across your site while looking for scams in Africa. Your humor brought a smile to my face! I have been receiving multiple emails from Africa on myspace and it’s so phony I just delete them. I was wondering what the scam was going to be but didn’t have the time to put in it to find out. The one I received today was a picture of an attractive white man ( poor guy doesn’t know his pic is being used) but having delt with Africans in the trade bead business I recognize the way they talk and type. Another African scam. If he really read myspace profile he would know I was 53 and didn’t plan on having babies with him. He just saw me holding my grandbaby and since my daughter made my myspace, it’s all about her and babies…
    Well, thanks for great chuckle….Renee
    PS I’m not in jail and in need for money

  57. Orlando says:

    Everytime I receive these scams asking for help and my personal contact information, I replace my name, adress and phone number with that of the FBI and other investigation agencies phone numbers

  58. Joe says:

    As I play with these yahoos I send porno or escort site phone numbers and addresses. Even Muslims get sucked into this stuff.

  59. Judy says:

    I get messages like these all the time only they are looking to buy some of my art and then they want all my personal information. They also say they use their own shipping company and then the fun really begins…..This is the point where I become a multi-million dollar exporter, and demand all of their personal information, and sometimes I even like to deliver my art to them personally. I have no time for messing with people, but I think I’ll have to make time because reading the series of e-mails with my daughter was fun. We laughed and laughed.

  60. Jodi says:

    This is so funny! I had an african guy email me today and I replied that : “I would love love love to help you!” and he replied that he was so happy to have my help and that I should give him my social security number, address, work place info and blah blah blah. I wanted to reply : “I have my ticket to Africa just like you want me to do.” I havent yet becasue I dont want them to use my email address or something like that ( can they mess up my email address?).
    I think it is really funny that he asked for your phone number again…as if someone wanting that much money would let a phone number be lost. THIS WAS A GREAT LATE NIGHT READ AND I LAUGHED OUT LOUD SO MANY TIMES.

  61. Dimitris says:

    Hi there

    Didn’t you understand that this was a big joke as soon as you recieve those emails
    They send me these all the time and I’m having a lough responding back in a very serious way.
    I Create the most amazin stories in my answers
    and it is graight fun because they respond back like they do to you.
    The names of those who contact me are
    Dr Phillip Ejor, graight Doctor I’m sure he examined my account and show that it wa empty thats why his diagnose was to offer me a big ammount of money hahahahahaha
    MR.GODWIN IZUOGU haha what a name!!
    Father Michael Davidson the church is involved of making people multimillioners hahahahaha. and others that I don’t remember at the moment.

    Have fun

    cheers

  62. Jim says:

    I actually had one “nigerian” convinced to come to me. I told him I would cash the check in my accout and only take 1%- he said he would give me 30%. After a month of wrangling he agreed to me me in a neutral location in the US. I paid an AIDS INFECTED HOOKED to meet him and entertain him. Then I called the police and said that my “sister had been raped and where to find the guy. I LOL”D for hours watching this guy squirm. Then i sent him an e-mail blasting him for not showing up. I have never gotten another one since

  63. Angela says:

    That was great!! I was looking for a friend in China so I posted information about him on some “lost people sites” like 3 months ago. I just got letter saying he was in a hospital in Nigeria and needed severe medical treatment. At first I really fell for this and felt sorry and was sending emails back and forth about him. It was very sad because I believed he was there. Then they sent me an email saying some surgeons needed money to save his life. That’s when I realized it was a scam. I told them I had a friend from Nigeria and he was going to contact his family there to visit the clinic before I send any money. I am not going to send any money but am curious how they are going to respond (if they do). Who do I report this to? They did get some personal information (nothing like bank account information). This really is funny although I was very devastated thinking my friend was seriously hurt. Its funny because I realized it was a scam. What about those who do not know?

  64. Gk says:

    Why don’t the Western Union or Money Gram be closed for good and it could help stamp out the scamming going on. LOL! That was a great read, I had laughed so much. I also recieve lots of scam emails crying for help. Sometimes I play with them and make them think I’m sending the money lol

  65. doug says:

    the first letter

    I NEED TRUST.

    The Chief Auditor/Information manager,
    In-Charge of Foreign Unit
    African Development Bank Group,
    Ouaga. Burkina-Faso.

    Dear Good Friend,

    I am Mr.Musa Garuba, The Chief Auditor/Information Manager, In-Charge of Foreign
    Unit of our bank and i have had the intent to contact you over this financial
    transaction/transfer worth the sum of Twenty Nine Million Two Hundred Thousand U.S Dollars (US$29.2M)for our progress and richness.This is an abandoned sum that belongs to our late foreign customer (an International Billionaire French Businessman) who died in plane crash disaster since three years ago along with his wife.

    I was opportuned to see the deceased deposit file bearing this huge amount
    of money when i was inspecting the dated and current customers files in other
    to sign and submit to the entire bank management for an official validation
    / re-documentation against the statement approval to the account holders
    for the year. In a swift investigation carried out by me, i found out that
    non of the deceased relative is aware of the abandoned fund except his late wife.
    As a result of that, it is an extremely confidential matter between me and you.

    Hence you are a foreigner to our country, you are authorized by our Banking
    law to apply and claim the fund into your account as the NEXT-OF-KIN to the
    deceased. For assisting me to get the fund transferred into your bank account,
    the ratio of 40% of the total sum is for your share whereas 60% is for me
    as business pioneer.

    Please i need your urgent response on assurance of trust that you will not
    deny my right of the share once the fund gets into your account because i
    am a poor civil servant who depend on little monthly salary. That you are
    the one who will help me to get visa to your country immediately i resign
    from my work on the instant of the transfer into
    your account.

    If you are realy sure of your integerity, trustworthy, and confidentiality,
    reply urgently and to prove that, include your particulars as follows.

    Private telephone and fax numbers?……….
    Country of Origin?……………………………
    Your occupation?…………………………….
    Your official age?……………………………..
    Your passport or ID card number?…………..

    In sincerity,

    Mr.Musa Garuba
    please call me with this phone number –(00226 78 15 37 53)

    my first reply

  66. doug says:

    my reply

    Private telephone and fax numbers? ………. mobile 0416044103
    work 0893129333
    Country of Origin?…………………………… australia
    Your occupation?……………………………. office
    Your official age?…………………………….. 34
    Your passport or ID card number?………….. 54786533-4436

    dear mr Mr.Musa
    please ring me on my mobile for quicker contact
    im very interested and thank you for making me part of this
    im looking forvard to hear from you again soon
    if i can help in any way just ring and i will organise it from here

    kindly
    tammie fisher

    his reply
    Hello My Dear Friend,

    Thanks for your willingness to assist me in this transaction and also to know more how are going to get this fund transferred into your account.I want to assure you that this business is 100% risk free.I give you my words and we are going to conclude this transaction in Good Faith and share the fund peacefully.You don’t have to be worried because I will ensure that this fund is transfered into your account without having any problem.What you have to do is to listen to my guide line untill the fund is transferred into your account then I will come over for the disbursment of the fund according to the percentages I indicate in my first letter.40% for you,50% for me and 10% for any expenses you and I may incure….telepone bills and taxes your bank will request when the fund is transfered.For your information I got your email address from an internet when I am looking for a reliable person I will do this business with though I did not know much of you.I strongly beleive that we will work together as partners and get this fund out from the bank and transferred into your account peacefully.

    May looking at the whole transfer process it might look so difficult to achieve a sucessful result but I tell you that it is not as difficult as you might see it.There will not be any risk or problem after this fund is transfered into your account because i will delete all the files concerning the deceased man in our bank after the fund is transferred.This business is involve only you and I.

    I want to assure you that this business will not cause any kind of problem to you because we are going to do it legally.When this fund is transfered there will be some cover up document’s my bank will issue you to show your bank that this fund is legally acquired.I tend to invest some part of this fund in hotel business and also import some agricultural machine’s back to Burkina-faso which I will use to set up mechanised farming.We can join together to set up all this investment if you wish but if it is not ok by you then you have to collect your own share and do any thing you wnat to do with it.This business will take us about 7working days to mature.You have to give me the benefit of the doubt and give me all the surpport I need in this business and I assure you that we will all smile at the end of the day,Insha Allah.

    This is bank transferred which i have all the information in how we are going to get this fund transferred into your account without any problem and also with my little power here in the bank i promise you that as soon as you apply to the bank as the next of kin i will be here to give you all the needed information in how we are going to get this fund out from the fund.

    I wait to hear from you soonest so that i will give you the application form which you have to fill and send to the bank for the claim.

    Thanks and my kind regards to your family.
    Mr.Musa Garuba.
    Tel+226 78 15 37 53

    my reply

    hello mr musa

    im glad to recive your reply

    it is buissy times but your letter is a welcome distaration
    from my dayli life running a big office complex i own the building
    and the buissines . i have 873 staf members working for me
    my parents left it for me when they died in a diving acident some years ago
    as well as their life insurence so i travel a lot evry year i try to get away to a new place for at least 3-4 month and if i dont like the place i get to i just jump on a plane and move on to a new country and continue my vacation
    so life is good
    pleace tell me more about you , you sound like such a nice gentelman :)

    dearest regards

    tammie

    this is work in progress im male by the way not female

    but if he eats this one its gna be fun

    im going to fall in love with him

  67. doug says:

    Dear friend,

    I am ready to do the transaction with you. You sound so trust worthy. I will do the deal with you. In less than one week, this fund will hit your account, and then I and my entire family will come over to your country for the normal disbursement as discussed earlier on. Mind you, the transaction is 100% risk free and legal. Because I took my time and money, in making sure that a solid arrangement of receiving the fund successfully is quarantined.

    Below is the text of application and the banks contacts:
    ( adb_bank_devel_bankbf@fastermail.com ) . As soon as you apply, inform me so that I can be monitoring the transaction as an insider and also as your partner in this transaction. as long as you are following my intrusions and directives, this money is already ours.

    Application form.

    Attn: Mr Mallam Bobo Ouderago
    foreign remmitance Director
    African development bank (ADB)
    Ouagadougou , north west zone-
    annex, 01 ouaga.
    Burkina Faso, west Africa
    Tel: 00226 76472022
    Fax 00226 50420039
    email: ( adb_bank_devel_bankbf@fastermail.com )

    subject: applying as the next of kin to the deceased

    I…………..apply to your bank as the next of kin to your deceased customer Mr ROM MORRIS from leabone holder of account bf 4934109,,putting claim over his balance with your bank valued at us$29.2 million dollars only. Sir, I wish to be intimated on the procedures involved in having this fund transfer into my account as given below:

    1. full name……………….
    2. Sex……………………………
    3. Age……………………….
    4. Country………………..
    5. Marital status…………..
    6. Occupation:………………
    7. Bank name………………..
    8. Bank account n…………
    9. Bank phone n…………….
    10. Bank swift code:………….
    11. Personal mobile n………..
    12. Personal fax n…………..
    13. Personal email:…………..

    I also apologise for not being able to have applied since his sudden death in a plane crash on December 2003, it was due to some family problem which have just being settled. I wish an urgent attention should be given to my humble application as the urgency implies on this matter. thanks in anticipation of your co-operation.

    Yours sincerely,
    ……………

    You should retype this application with your companies letter headed paper if you have any, and send the application through there email box of ( adb_bank_devel_bankbf@fastermail.com ) . Remember to include your phone and fax number in the application including your email address for effective communication with the bank.

    Immediately you receive any signal from the bank don’t fail to get back to me before contacting them back.

    Yours brother,
    Musa Garuba (+226 78 18 37 53)

  68. Ben says:

    Freaking hilarious!!! I normally reply to these guys with about ten f words, but I never thought of leading them on. Great Job! I laughed so hard I was crying

  69. Ariana says:

    You should check out dumentia.com This guy has fake passports that he scans in to the scammers and everything. He’s hysterical. In one set he was Jean Luc Picard and in another he was a guy from the National Man-Boy Love Association and in two of them he was a nun.

    I’ve never thought of playing with these guys but after this I think I will. Entertainment!

  70. Leesa says:

    Heya!

    Brilliant with the kooky-kat ‘ness! Great entertainment! Recently, I also received an email from a certain Janaba Ayuba, who studied nursing, etc… Yea, found a couple of pictures of her also on the internet… Some of them are slutty!

    Have an awesome day!
    x

  71. I’m in the middle of “trying” to secure $30 Million Dollars + from a Barrister in England from some guy that died & I never knew him. For a “LAWYER” his English is as good as my SWAHILI. Last year I played around with another scammer with a sad sack story, received a Cashier’s check, etc. and I JUST WOULDN’T STOP. This bitch was caught by the
    Australian Police and I received a fax & Email to confirm – even spoke to the C of D’s on the phone. It was f=ckin’ GRRRRRRRRREAT!!!

  72. La Chola Cuencana says:

    That was awesome! I get these stupid Nigerian emails ALL THE TIME, and if i had enough time on my hands, I’d do EXACTLY what you did….play the game and screw them up at the end! What I usually do is respond favorably, telling them that I’m willing to help them, and go along with their “Christian” rambling. But then it comes to a point where I just tell them off in an email and then they quit bothering me. But one of these days I’m going to do what you did! You are a brilliant man! This was some funny stuff. Thanks! Best wishes!

  73. Rick Maci says:

    Patrick,

    Good for you because you just did a favor to alot of us by getting back at these scam artist. Every time I open my emails, I’ve got about 50 emails in one or two days coming from Nigeria asking for help or offering money. But, you know what really makes me sick is that there are people, that are hard working, honest, and willing to help anyone and they get screwed by ASS _ _ _ _ _ like is. I’ve gotten to the point that I delete all spams without even reading them, it’s not worth the time that you lose to read these mails. I will repeat from the last email, This was really entertaining and funny. You made Augusto feel like he was raped and loved at the same time, GOOD FOR YOU.

  74. Eric says:

    I love how Patrick started copying those  symbols that appeared in Savimbi’s messages.

    Years ago, I used to reply to all of the African email scams I received. I have never had the good fortune to have a correspondence go that long or to that level of absurdity, but I did have some fun. I’ve posted some of my correspondence on my website, so please come by and enjoy.

  75. mike your a genius! i laughed so hard i pissed my self literally! any ways you gave me idea to scam those f….kers like they try to scam us! i get these every day!

  76. russell says:

    This is interesting, I’m currently doing the same thing on Facebook with a woman who is going to transfer gold to me if I just send my passport photo, address and cell phone number to her. we actually chat about the weather and whatnot on Facebook.

    this is her latest message to me on facebook…

    As you know Joycelyn, My late father’s was a member of a mining company here in Ghana 3months ago my late father lawyer consult me that it as complete 5years my father’s past away and we have to visit the mining company for the release of my late father’s shears of the Gold as agreed with the company when my father was alive.

    We both visit the mining company where we meet with the director of the company he make me to understand all my late father’s lawyer said to me is true that I am entitle for 165 Kilos of Alluvial Gold dust as I speak with you right now the Gold is in my care of a shipping company which I did give you the company web site if you are willing to help you have to send me your full information as copy of passport and house address cell phone number.

  77. Jimmy Fart says:

    Wow! as you can see from the latest posts, they have stepped up to new technology– instead of emails, they use Facebook now.

  78. russell says:

    The scary thing is now they have access to your photos, and the names of family and friends… for this reason I just blocked the scammer instead of playing along. I don’t want anyone I know to be subjected to this scam or threats.

  79. zorpry says:

    And they keep coming almost every day.
    I get mails almost every day about all the money I have coming if I just send a small fee.
    They are so stupid, but some people must be stupid as well, or else they would stop.
    I must be a billionar by now with all the money I had coming.
    Here is the latest example, came today 9th of March 2011.

    Attn: Beneficiary

    Sir/Madam,

    My Name is Sir Hafiz Abubakar Ringim of the Nigeria Police Force(NPF).

    I understand you are expecting your delayed fund to be wired to your bank account.
    but some top government officials and bank partners will not tell you the truth and the whereabouts of your fund and all they are doing is to tell you to pay outrageous fees which you refused to come up with.

    I will not do that based on my conscience and that is why I have contacted you to let you know the truth because i know you have gone far in trying to get this fund and must have paid some amounts of monies to people you are not supposed to give out a dime to.

    All you are required to pay for is for the bank transfer charges of your fund into your bank account in your country.

    I will be ready to help you get your fund but you have to help me keep it as a
    secret to enable me help in deliver your fund as the Nigeria Police Force principal officer.

    You better believe me or forget contacting me again but i know that they will never tell you the truth because they are all thieving criminals.

    Get back to me and i will tell you the possible way to get your fund delivered to you without the consent of anyone i know God will reward me after all.

    I expect your prompt response through my private email:
    npf001@live.com

    Regards.
    Sir Hafiz Abubakar Ringim
    Inspector General Of The Nigeria Police Force (NPF).

  80. Dan Theecan says:

    Hello everyone. I don’t think that scammers are that bad- I would like to invite more to my email! I won £21.91 off a man called Sajab Han Hussen, african, i think, and we became scamming pen pals of a sort! I honestly do want people to email me. If you want to sell my address, it’s trhis:

    dantheecan@hotmail.co.uk

    Things I need:
    Financial Support
    Books
    Pen Pal
    I want to help others
    Money Transactions

    Thanks v. Much!

    Dan Theecan

  81. kleine says:

    hilarious!
    should make a movie out of this!
    patreek! you’re a genius!
    i love youuuuuuuu! nyahahahaha

  82. Here is some of the mail I get and the response I send them. Enjoy
    Hello Dear recipient:Sir/Madam,

    I know it could sound ridiculous, but I ask that you read my mail to understand,am
    still on asssignment in Kandahar,a part in Afghanistan.My assignment was so due by Dec,2013, but for
    reasons we don’t know, I and a couple of my men were ordered to stay back.I am writing to you for a
    business of which we canbe patners in. Am a military personel on duty who needs assistance to move cash to
    a safer place and not in the provinces of Afghanistan. I have now reasons to believe that the money we
    shared amongst ourselves is the root to our being delayed from going home,right now careful evac of
    the sum(my cut?) is all that matters now.it has to be delivered to a safe billing address of your choice
    and ready for pick up,be rest assured that This is no stolen money and there are no risks in the process
    ,and this message came up due to the need for a sincere partner. So, Pls be sure you can. write me at
    daibelnny.home[AT]live.com, we can discuss through other channels once I clear my head.
    We have started nursing our evacuation from here,i cannot afford to delay this in any manner since the
    last threats on the entire platoon that went on the raid which led to the retrieval and handover of the
    terrorist treasury to the Afghan gorvernment.I need your response to decide my steps you know?
    I hope you understand my plights here? but if you don’t,please ignore this mail and pls accept my
    apologies.
    warm regards,
    Danny

    Here is my response:
    Well good lordly Gordy. It’s obvious you are out to scam people. How do I know? Wells first of all I am a 93 year old homeless lady living in cardboard boxes and eating from dumpsters.

    Been homeless for abouts 4 years I think. See a few years back Mr. Dewie Stewiepitts and me were canoeing in the Everglades and 3 alligators tipped the canoe over. Well 1 of the alligators got a hold of Dewie and the 2nd one joined in. The 3rd one grabbed me by the head and started doing the death roll. Wells I sees this stump in the water and see it goes above the water so I grabs on and pulls my head out of the water. Nows a Park Ranger sees this and gets the gator off of me but not before he rips off the side of my face from the forehead down to the jaw bone. I was in the hospital for 2 moths. During that time they did find Dewie’s legs and that was all. Not much to bury there. 2 months later I gets home to see that my house burned down and Dewie didn’t pay the house insurance. Well I lost everything and with no family I was forced to live on the streets.

    Oh I do okay. Mr. Van Nilla form the appliance store puts up those big refrigerator boxes for me out in the woods. He will anchor 2 or 3 of them together so I haves me some room for me and Percy. Percy is my kitty cat.

    Now mind you I don’t beg or panhandle. No sir ree Bill I don’t beg or panhandle. See them folks who panhandle tells peoples theys going to gits something to eats but they just go out and gits whiskey and gits liquored up.

    Now I support my self by collecting cans and takes them to the recycle place. Oh sometimes I may gits me about $2.03. I thinks the most I gits sometimes is $5.75. Hooo Weee. when I gits me $5.75 I gits to go to the Din Din Diner and gets me a lunch special. See Missy Jenkins knows that I am homeless and she will lets me have the special for $4.00 so I can keeps the $1.75 for coffee for the rest of the week. With these snow storms we are having it’s good to be able to have a hot cup of coffee.

    See that nice boy Darby down at the filling station will lets me refill my coffee 3 times for the day after I pays for the 1st cup. Now if that Bunny gal is working hoooo weee she a mean one she is she is. Whys she won’t let’s me refill even 1 time. Once I had only 31 cents and she wanted 33 cents to refill. She wouldn’t even lets me have a half of cup of refill for 31 cents.

    Nows for my kitty cat Percy I do gits help from the SPCA. They helps me with kitty food and check-ups. Now understand I don’t take all this as a hand out for Percy. No sir ree Bob. I help clean up the offices and rest rooms 2 times a week. They knows that I take cares of Percy and they nice to me.

    Whys even when it snows and my boxes cave in I stay at the homeless shelter and Mr. Arrtts Farrtts lets me bring in Percy. See I keeps her on a harness so she don’t bother any body. She cuddles up with me and sleeps on my arm at night. She a pretty Tuxedo cat. Theys a nice cat. She talks to me and stays by my side.

    Now I don’t quite understand your letter as to what you would want from a homeless person. Nows I know you are a scam but it was nice to get mail. See, nobody talks to me or write me letters. I goes to the library and they lets me use the computer but I have nobody to write to. Every once in a while I gits some kind of letter telling me I have millions of dollars and they wants me to sends them money. I may be homeless and 93 years old but I am not stupid. No one is going to send me millions of dollars let alone someone like you telling me you have monies to transport.

    Well, I hope you find some stupid person to fall for your scam. Well not really do I hope you find someone to fall for your scam it would be ashamed to rip off someone who just might be in my position.

    Now go brush your teeth and find someone you could help in an honest way.

    IDANOTTS ASA STEWIEPITTS

Shared
Humanity's deep future:

A group of researchers at the Future of Humanity Institute talk about where our race may be going and how artificial intelligence could save or kill us all.

Steve Jobs speaks about the future at the International Design Conference in 1983:

31 years later, it’s safe to say this is one of the most prescient speeches about technology ever delivered. Jobs covers wireless networking, tablets, Google StreetView, Siri, and the App Store (among other things) many years before their proliferation. A fantastic listen.

How to travel around the world for a year:

Great advice for when you finally find the time.

LiveSurface:

A fantastic app for prototyping your design work onto real world objects like billboards, book covers, and coffee cups. This seems like just as great of a tool for people learning design as it does for experts.

50 problems in 50 days:

One man’s attempt to solve 50 problems in 50 days using only great design. Some good startup ideas in here…

How to Do Philosophy:

If you’ve ever suspected that most classical philosophy is a colossal waste of time, Paul Graham tells you why you’re probably right.

TIME: Why Medical Bills Are Killing Us:

Stephen Brill follows the money to uncover the pinnacle of corruption that is the U.S. Health Care system. A must-read article if there ever was one.

DIY Dot Org:

A beautifully designed site full of fun and challenging DIY projects. I could spend months on here.

The Steve Jobs Video Archive:

A collection of over 250 Steve Jobs videos in biographical order

Self-portraits from an artist under the influence of 48 different psychoactive drug combos.

Water Wigs are pretty amazing.

David Pogue proposes to his girlfriend by creating a fake movie trailer about them and then getting a theater to play it before a real movie. Beautiful and totally awesome.

Jonah Peretti's letter to BuzzFeed’s employees:

If you’re wondering what a excellent blueprint for a modern media company looks like, look no further than Buzzfeed CEO Jonah Peretti’s latest email to his employees. In it, Peretti explains a lot of his company’s virtues, the most important being a relentless focus on always providing what’s best for the user. Vox Media (operators of The Verge) is the only other company I can think of which approaches this level of reform and execution.

The Covers Project:

I love this so much: a cross-referenceable database of cover songs, searchable by song or artist. Slowed down, acoustic covers — no matter the song — are so enjoyable to me that I wish it was a requirement to play one at every show. If you like them as much as I do, make sure to check out M. Ward’s Let’s Dance or Sun Kil Moon’s entire album of Modest Mouse covers.

“More and more people in this country no longer make or do anything tangible; if your job wasn’t performed by a cat or a boa constrictor in a Richard Scarry book I’m not sure I believe it’s necessary. I can’t help but wonder whether all this histrionic exhaustion isn’t a way of covering up the fact that most of what we do doesn’t matter.”
- Tim Kreider’s denunciation of the cult of busyness is excellent. (via jimray)